i regret a bit

20th august 2011

it was just two days ago from my birthday...
kinda feel hoping for my birthday to last longer...
my semestral exam is just next week...
Monday for Inorganic Chemistry...
just now i went searching for Cell Biology past year's examination papers...
through the library portal...
multiple choice questions are not provided...
students can only download the short response questions...
i scanned through but only two questions were there...and three big words below:
END OF QUESTIONS
out of sudden, my heart sank so deeply...
i felt a sudden urge of seeking help...
because there was a feeling of panic in my mind...
is that even considered as the important diploma semestral exam???
i am really scared...if this is to go on...i feel it would be better to take form 6 for free...
rather than paying a big sum of money and having study loan to take up a course like that...
yes it is true that i am not going to score high marks for my course...
but it is also true that for diploma, the level should not be like this...
i reckoned that the standard here is much more higher that it would really be difficult in the modules...
but it turned out the other way...
i can conclude my study now as "less input, less output"
i am feeling worried now...i feel that i came all way long here to seek higher and better education than the others...
but it doesn't seem so ...
who cares about not getting the JPA ... i could have taken form 6 or gone for A-level...
which both options would not use up the money my mom spend on me...
i am seriously sad now...
who cares to compete ?? i thought what i have chosen is not really the best...
the only thing that i feel free now is away from something, some people i wish to avoid and show them i am going away from them...
so, even now, sometimes or i could say frequently, the thought why i have come here keep on popping out in my mind...that's a deep secret inside my heart and i never tell others...
and that was the cause of guilty too...
all i care is what knowledge and education standard i am receiving, but prove that i never make use of my chance to come here...
and even not sure i should have chosen this ...
i am really scared ...but by now , at this point, at this moment till the end, i got to go on...
and it's far too late to make any changes...
these are all what i fear...
i just wish some of my buddies are around now...
i should not have been blinded by my silly wish and thoughts when i make the decision whether to come here or not...


"halo,mami .. " " en....u got study anot ?? today i am so tired to keep on working...u must study hard...mami spent so much money for you to go there study...u must really study hard...go library read more books...don't only depend on what you learnt .."
my cheek flushed slightly...i am sorry .............