HearT aTTacK ...

24th march 2011...


i started to feel lonely...and i was overpowered by my own grief...
i started to hate everyone around me...
i started to doubt whether they treat me as their friends...
i feel so hollow...i can't think of anything...
the only thing comes to my mind is sleep...sleep...and sleep...
i truly feel abandoned by my friends...
i lose all my trust and confidence in my own life...
what am i not good at ??? i'm asking you...ANSWER me !!!
who can hear my voice??? who can hear my shout??? who can hear my cries???
people say we should appreciate...i do appreciate things that i have...
but those things keep on slipping out of my grab...
no matter how hard i try to retrieve my grab...they just leave me...
why??? i'm losing my energy...i can't fight...
are these illusions??? they are pulling me into a world that is so lonely...and  isolated...
my perserverence...my diligence...my power...my friends...my pride...my confidence...my funny character...my hyperactive character...they have all gone...
my steadiness...my hopes...my dreams...my strength...my time...all disappear in a shot...
where am i now ??? what should i do ??
i try very hard to be the hardworking girl...i can't find her...where is she ???
why am i letting myself and others down one time and one time???
why am i not changing for better???
why am i the only one that is not moving forward...but moving backwards???
what should i do ??
did mammy give me advice??did my teacher do that too??
is tat i m not listening or are they not giving me the correct guidelines ???
i just try to be best...i just try to shine with you guys in front of all people...
why don't count me in ???
why i don't spend time with all of you?? is tat i know even though i used up all my time with you...you guys just can't notice my presence??
yes...you are...
why don't i like other girls?? not so welcomed by the boys??
or the fact is ...because i am not putting my effort in ???
then what can i do ??  i want to excel...be an outstanding person...i want to be popular among peers...i want friends that can go through hardness and happiness with me...
i want to hang out with all of you...
why aren't you asking me out??
yes...you did...once or twice...??
why am i restricting myself?? why do i confined to my own world???
why do i keep blaming??
BUT what else i can do ??? am i really not good enough ??? am i hard to communicate?? am i not good??
Please...what can i do..?? i want to be the shining star that excels in academic...socialising and other equivalent aspects !!!

okay..i admit...i didn't put enough effort...in academic...i admit...my fault...should blame my own self...okay...me really not that hardworking like last time...okay..i have to know....and change...admit..i admit...
but socialising...this matter is troubling me a lot...so blame myself for not improving communication skills...and i'm not sure my bruises and hurt has recovered...i m losing my temper with all of you !!!